When Nature Calls

Oct 13 2007

Today 115.5 Total 8953.8

Well it was bound to happen. I had just hoped it wouldn't. I was caught with my pants down. When it comes to one of the most basic functions of the human body I'm at a distinct disadvantage over my male counterparts. They can find somewhere halfway discrete take a camera with them and if a car rushes by they can pretend they are taking a shot. I don't have that luxury. If I'm caught its pretty obvious I'm not picking daisies. Though sometimes this is a side effect of what I am doing. I usually find a spot in tall grass or in the woods, crouch down, do what needs to be down, pull my pants up and then stand up. In this process I inadvertently usually end up with half a herb garden in my drawers. The amazing thing is unless its particularly spiny I don't notice until nature calls again and the bouquet of flowers, grasses and leaves fall out.
It was very cold, with a steady drizzle and a strong head wind today. As luck would have it it was also one of those days where nature seemed to call a lot more frequently than usual. I was cold, sore and tired of trying to find the perfect spot. Traffic had been light so I thought what the heck. I was in a spot where I had a long clear view of traffic coming both ways. My hands were very cold and I was soaked so my skin was also damp and cold. I thought I had successfully pulled it off when a truck came barrelling over the rise. I quickly tried to pull my pants up. This was a mistake. With my wet skin and wet clothes when I pulled the bike shorts and outer pants up at the same time they rolled them selves into a tight knot that came slight below decencies sake both front and rear. As my wooden fingers began futile trying to unravel the mess I came to the realization that I didn't have time to totally unknot my pants. I did what most women would do, I focused on the front. The truck was almost on me as I pull the front my pants as high as I could in the front while my entire back half was still totally exposed. I then angled my body to give them as little view as I could manage under the circumstances.
To their credit the truck never slowed nor did they hurle rude comments out the window. The driver of the truck had a huge ear splitting grin on his face but was trying to make it look like he wasn't watching. His passenger had no such qualms and was quivering ball of mirth. As he took one more look at me he collapsed in hysterical convulsions which contagiously attacked the driver of the truck. I stood there like a deer in the headlight both sets of cheeks exposed and flaming until the longest five seconds of my life was up and they were gone.